This week, a client said something that really stuck with me:
“I know I’m not ready to date… because I want to become the person I would want to marry.”
And I paused because that’s it. That’s the work!
Not rushing to get back out there.
Not proving you’ve moved on.
Not filling the space.
But actually asking yourself who do I want to be? Who am I working towards becoming?
We Get This Backwards All the Time
Most people come out of a relationship asking:
Who should I date next?
How do I not pick the wrong person again?
How do I avoid getting hurt?
Will I ever find love?
Underneath all of that is something we don’t always slow down long enough to ponder:
How did I show up in my last relationship?
What do I want to do differently next time?
Here’s the key in my opinion: It’s not just about choosing better. It’s about showing up differently.
“Doing the Work” Isn’t About Fixing Yourself
When my client said this, it wasn’t coming from a place of “I’m not enough.” It was coming from a place of accountability; something that my client has been working on.
Taking accountability and knowing how you want to show up allows you the mindset to show up with intention rather than with perceived perfection.
Here are some things to consider in order to accomplish this:
- Learn to regulate your emotions instead of relying on someone else to do it
- Be honest and unapologetic about your needs instead of trying to fit into someone else’s wish list
- Trust yourself instead of constantly questioning your instincts. Simply put, trust your gut.
- Set boundaries without feeling guilty for it.
You Don’t Need to Rush This Part
There’s so much pressure to “move on and to others, moving on means re-partnering. Why is that? I think it’s because moving forward by working on yourself is an internal change. People can only see external changes but often overlook the internal ones.
Taking your time to re-partner or get back out here isn’t avoidance; it’s internal work.
Think of this work as an investment in yourself.
If you don’t do the work, you may find yourself repeating patterns that didn’t serve you in your marriage. You risk becoming the same version of yourself in the relationship.
Shifting Your Mindset About Readiness
Instead of asking yourself “Am I ready to date?” try asking yourself “Would I want to be in a relationship with me right now?”
This self reflection should come from a place of honesty and authenticity rather than from a place of judgment.
What do I need? What do I want? How can I communicate it? Do I trust myself to walk away if something doesn’t feel right?
If you can answer these questions, then maybe you’re ready. Maybe.
This Is Where Things Start to Change
The clients who do this work are the ones who start to see different outcomes.
Not because they got lucky but because they stopped outsourcing their happiness, their validation, and their sense of security.
They built it. They weren’t afraid to really look within and figure out who they wanted to be. In turn, they’re able to show up as the version of themselves they want to be. In essence, they’ve reconstructed their happy and they’re always glad they did!
If you’re looking to reconstruct your own happy, please reach out to me. Working on yourself post divorce is an important part of the process that often gets overlooked.