If you’re reading this, you’re likely in the middle of one of the most difficult chapters of your life. Divorce brings with it a wave of emotions — sadness, anger, fear, guilt — sometimes all in the same day. It’s overwhelming, exhausting, and at times, it may feel impossible to think clearly about anything beyond surviving.
Now, I want to gently bring your focus to the ones who are also going through this with you; your children.
Your kids didn’t choose this. They didn’t ask for their world to be turned upside down. And while you are facing your own heartbreak and loss, they are quietly trying to make sense of it all. They’re watching. They’re listening. And they are deeply affected by how you and your co-parent handle this difficult transition.
You Don’t Have to Be Perfect — But You Do Have to Be Intentional
Let’s be honest: putting your children first during divorce isn’t always easy. You’re human. You may feel angry at your ex, frustrated by the process, or terrified about the future. And still — your kids need you to rise above that pain when it comes to their emotional safety.
This isn’t about pretending you’re fine. It’s about making conscious choices, even in hard moments, to shelter your children from becoming collateral damage.
What Putting Your Kids First Really Looks Like
- Protect Them From Adult Conflict
Your child doesn’t need to know who initiated the divorce. They don’t need to know about financial disputes, court battles, or who said what to whom. Those are adult problems. Your job is to shield them from that stress so they don’t carry it on their small shoulders or in their innocent hearts. - Don’t Make Them Choose Sides
Even if you feel completely justified in your anger, don’t ask your child — directly or indirectly — to take sides. They love both of you. Let them feel free to love both parents without guilt or pressure. - Speak Kindly (or Stay Neutral) About the Other Parent
This one is hard — especially if your co-parent has hurt you. But remember: your child sees themselves as part of both of you. When you attack your ex, your child feels it on a deeper level. When in doubt, simply say: “That’s something for the grown-ups to work out.” - Create Stability Where You Can
Your kids crave routine right now. Consistent schedules, bedtimes, activities, and family traditions give them something to hold onto when everything else feels uncertain. - Let Them Talk — And Really Listen
Your child may not have the words to express everything they’re feeling. Encourage them to share. Let them cry, vent, or say they’re confused or scared. Don’t try to fix everything in the moment — sometimes just listening is the most healing thing you can do. Listen too, to what they’re not saying. Oftentimes, their feelings are expressed through behaviour. - Take Care of Yourself Too
The stronger you are emotionally, the more you have to give to your children. Lean on friends, family, therapy and work with a Certified Divorce Coach. You don’t have to carry this alone.
The Truth: Your Kids Will Remember How They Felt
One day, your children will look back at this time in their lives. They won’t remember who got what in the settlement. They may not remember the details of the custody agreement. They will, however, remember how you made them feel. They’ll remember if they felt safe, loved, and supported — or if they felt caught in the crossfire.
The way you handle this painful chapter will shape their emotional wellbeing long after the legal process is over.
You’re Already Doing More Than You Know
Just by reading this — by caring enough to ask, “How can I put my kids first?” — you’re already taking an important step. It means your children have a parent who wants to protect their hearts, even while nursing your own wounds.
Divorce isn’t easy. But your love for your children can guide you through even the hardest moments. And in the end, that love — steady, unconditional, and present — is what will carry them forward.